It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
