My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
