Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I want is dick and wine.
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