threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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