first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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