To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
