I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Hippo gnu deer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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