I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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