you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
