last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
