I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
