My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
