eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
