this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
