onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You ruined the universe
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
