Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
