if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
