I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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