I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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