he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
