They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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