I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
