So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
