There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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