Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
