He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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