so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
