yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
