i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
