so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
