I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
