You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
