I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
