I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
