WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
