yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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