I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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