Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
