I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
