Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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