You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
