Ketchup is God's man juice
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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