Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
