Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
