When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
