This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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