Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
