Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
