Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
