Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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