Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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