how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
